Most of us have been there: your relationship ends and you need a place to catch your breath from all the hurt. The most logical place, for most of us, is the nest we grew up in. Our parents are after all the ones who are supposed to love and help us unconditionally.
So is it a good idea to move back in with your parents and how long should you aim to stay?
Is moving in at your parents a good idea?
If you have a good bond with your mother, father or both, then yes. There is probably no safer haven to spend your first moments as a single. They will care for you in ways that your friends really can’t: provide shelter, food, laundry, advice, love, leisure, … all that good stuff to get your bearings.
They are probably also pretty well aware of what was going on in your relationship prior to it ending, so it’s quite easy to talk about what happened and get it off your chest.
Usually, parents don’t completely rebuild their houses after their kids move out, so chances are real that your old room is still there and more or less like you left it behind. This will give you an added feeling of familiarity and safety. You will need that to start your healing process after the breakup.
Unless all of your old friends decided to move to other cities or even countries, you should have a pretty good base of operations too. A familiar neighbourhood, some bars in the proximity where people know you, friends close by, … you know exactly where to go when you need something.
The only downside will come from the fact that news will spread fast when you’re back in your old neighbourhood. People will want to know what happened and you may not always be in the mood to talk about it. That’s okay though, just tell them politely that you’ll stop by their house once you’re ready to explain what happened. They will understand and if they don’t, f*ck em.
However, despite all the positives, there should be some things to consider when you’re moving back in. Things that will keep the situation under control and allow both parties to resume their lives as normally as possible.
Tips for living with your parents again
- Help out around the house. You’re no longer that 12-year-old kid that gets to do with it wants. As an adult, you should show your parents that they gave you a good upbringing. So help out where possible and do it with a smile. Don’t wait for them to ask you, offer your help. After all, they are the ones who are saving you.
- Don’t constantly talk about the breakup. I know you want – and need – to talk about what happened to move on. Just don’t do it every.single.minute.of.the.day! You don’t want to burn the people out who are trying to give you advice. Choose your moments, don’t interrupt and know when to end it.
- If you receive advice, accept it. Don’t be “that” person who talks about his or her problems and when people give advice, gets pissed or just shrugs it off. If your parents give you tips or advice, you should listen to and respect their opinions. Whether you do something with it is up to you, but you can at least be thankful they care.
- Don’t arrive home drunk every day. Classic things for the newly-single: drinking, going out, smoking pot, whatever takes the mind off the pain. Just don’t come crashing through the front door, scaring your parents every night and making a ruckus or total ass of yourself.
- Don’t be afraid to talk about boundaries and privacy. Living together with your parents can be tough, especially if it has been a while. They may return to their “parenting mode” and check on you while you sleep or other now creepy things. Talk to them about how you see yourself living in their home, especially when it comes to privacy and alone time.
- Do some activities together. I don’t mean go to the supermarket together. Take some time to reconnect with them and at the same time relax as you adapt to your new life as a single. Go for a bike ride together or take a long walk, perhaps even visit a local museum or amusement park. It will provide a calm and serene environment for talking as well.
- Don’t beg for money every week. You may have lost quite a bit of cash in a divorce dispute or you never had any and your ex was supporting you. Either way, your parents aren’t money lending machines. If you have financial troubles, discuss them as soon as possible and listen to what they have to offer. Don’t go begging for scraps every week, it will annoy them beyond belief.
- Keep them out of legal issues. This applies if you have accumulated debts or your ex is suing you for whatever reason. Make it clear to courts and debtors that you are only a guest at your parents and their house is not your collateral. I’ve heard of people actually ruining their parents’ finances because they didn’t care; people like that belong in jail, they don’t deserve to be helped.
- Don’t invite strangers over every day. You might be tempted to feel a little bit too much at home again and start to invite your friends and other people over. Remember it’s not your house and you are a guest, so just don’t these mini-invasions. Ask your parents whether it’s ok to invite someone over.
- If you can, share some costs. Most people won’t have to pay rent when they first move back in. Most people won’t even have to pay a dime for the food, gas, electricity and water they consume. But you’re an adult, you know what those things cost. So if you’re able to do so financially, help out with the utility bills. It’s a great show of appreciation.
- Do not talk about a date when you will leave. The last tip is an important one. Don’t specify a date when you will move out. You never know what will happen, really. You could get struck by depression or get into financial troubles. If you set a date, you are creating expectancy, not meeting expectancies is never a good thing. So just take it easy, say that you’re looking to improve your life and you will let them know when you’re ready to move out.
The bad: you may be TOO safe
Is there such a thing even? Don’t we all want to live in a safe and cosy home where our food is prepared, the laundry is done and there is always pleasant company? No… you really don’t.
The biggest caveat of living in your parents’ home is that it will make you lazy and fulfilled. Before you know it, you will have accepted it as the perfect lifestyle and you forget your ambitions.
Write it down, get a tattoo, doesn’t matter what but always have a goal to work towards. This can be buying your own property or finding a better job. Perhaps even start a blog and make some side income, we all have our desires.
The point is, you can’t stay at your parent’s place forever. It will halt your personal growth too much. You need to look towards the future and live the best life you can build for yourself.
So when you’re feeling confident that you’re now good with your life as a single, start working towards those goals. Don’t rush it, make sure you’re in the right state of mind but nevertheless strive for more.
Your parents will love it when you get that ambition and motivation going. You will feel pride and accomplishment when you realize that your ex isn’t controlling your life anymore. All will be well, and in large part, it’s thanks to the time you spend at your parents’. But now it’s time to move on, young Padawan.
As you may have felt from reading this post, I spent some time living with my parents after my breakup. I really had nowhere else to go as well. They took me in and offered all the love and guidance I needed to get back on top.
If it wasn’t for their help, I wouldn’t have been able to muster the courage to travel the world and move to another country as a single. So thank you mom and dad, from the bottom of my heart.
As always, if you liked this article, feel free to share it. It would help me a lot.
Thanks and all the best!